My undefined happiness

I believe that I can only appreciate true - pure- friendship by having wrong friends.

True friendship means happiness to me. There doesn't have to be any "Hektor" going on a journey in order to bear me out. I only believe in this one happiness. Because this is love at the same time - true friendship is love. Strong and intensive love. And don't tell me you're able to distinguish as I saw them merging. And there doesn't have to be any book about love teaching me that love is more for love is anything but a profound poem.
I don't believe what I'm about to write, but if I could I would say I belong to the happiest people on earth. Perhaps I'm writing this because I sometimes feel the opposite, but oddly enough the opposite exists only in a part of me - which appears so undefinably... feels unpredictable... gets me scared...
Melancholy is the biggest enemy of happiness. Painting the world in dark colours it appears to be tangible, close but the way that you can't see what you're longing for.
I had this feeling once in a blue moon. Probably thanks to my pipe dreams that turn everything - even the dark paintings - into a romantic scenario where problems occur on purpose in order to get solved by.. me - princess. I feel so graceful, beloved, wooed and missed, though that's how I trick myself and I realize it all.
Twice I dreamed to be imprisoned, from where I could never escape. Big and cold, nobody helps, it's all surrounded by water. One jump could be fatal, because it is winter and we're in ... Germany.
...I could have been influenced by One flew over the kookoo's nest - no film has ever impressed and scared me so much before, but this is long ago and the dream goes hand in hand with my struggling emotion.
Thinking about tomorrow I should think of Wednesday or Thursday because it's Tuesday night. But there is no Thursday-morning. There is only breaking-up... final exams... get away from here. Yearning - if ever it extravagates- makes you blue just as melancholy. Creeping in it nestles to your body expanding into your soul and finally staying there. You think you can't fight it for its pleasantly monotone purring melody has driven away everything that used to be real.
...because yearning is like a comfortable pillow on which you'll become prosperous and fat...

What if I had only one day left to live?
I'd fall into a deep depression or maybe I'd swamp it out smashing all my clocks. I'd definetely think, reflect, I would wonder what I've actually done during my life time, everything and nothing at the same time - heartfelt - structureless, though. Much too complicated, you pondered much and experienced little. I'm not contemporary, I may have been born sooner or I should have been born elsewhere. Anywhere, but not here.
There is no right or wrong; right is what you make out of it.
Is that really true?
Isn't it possible that I'd be better off in a different country?
Isn't there a spark of truth on this eternal yearning for something that cannot be defined by our reason?
Does yearning show the way or only the unreachable?
Does it fool my imagination? Does it lead me astray?
Why do I long for so much?

Now I gratefully decline - playing princess - since later on she'll be getting everything she deserved, every opportunity she missed on purpose and even more, profound happiness.
I can't make up my mind.. some moments are impossible to experience when you're happy and yearning reminds you that they will pass. Just as all the others. Or is true happiness independent of the moment?

God only is independent of the moment.
It's late and I better go to sleep.